Why I am still gonna get that tattoo

Hello world,

I am going to call the tattoo studio tomorrow and hopefully will be able to make an appointment for Friday, 13th November. My birthday.

When AD vanished, I got mad. Because I thought I wouldn't be able to get the tattoo ever. Because it reminded me of Him. Quite much. I also got mad because of how things are, I start to regret meeting Him. Which I shouldn't. And I won't.

Even though I am heartbroken and feeling more pain these days than I can recall feeling ever, even though I am crying a lot and even though the little things can drag me downwards (yesterday someone on IRC said 'smartass', and he's an Aussie too - and that made me think 'damn, you're never gonna hear Him say 'smartass', chuckling at you, appreciative, supportive - that's gone for good'. And that made me cry so hard because I could hear His voice in my head, over and over again) - despite everything, I cannot regret it. I won't allow myself to regret it.

Because I am not the person I was four months ago. I changed. For the better. I embraced myself, I let the girl that's always been inside of me come out - and play. I started being true with myself, genuine. I voiced things I would've never told anyone before, like that fantasy I put into words a few posts ago.  I am starting to challenge myself, creating situations that used to make me uncomfortable to master them, come out standing and grow.

There are a lot of things that AD did that got the ball rolling. A lot of changes that he initiated. And I want this tattoo to remind me of this journey.

It will remind me

• to always be honest with myself.
• to accept compliments and smile.
• to never speak little of myself again.
• to enjoy every moment of life.
• to be honest when dating others.
• to not let the opinion of others influence how I see myself.
• to value myself.
• to remember that I deserve to be feminine and be strong enough to show it.
• to remember that I love being weak - but that I also am strong, really.
• to look in the mirror and smile because I am beautiful. (And yes, it's hard typing this. But I am. And you are. And the person next door is.)
• to remember that I am smart and funny and witty and a great catch.
• to never ever settle with being an option ever again. I am a fucking priority.

That's why I am gonna get it. And that's why I love seeing it with every move I make. That's why I keep re-writing it on my wrist till my birthday comes.

Because I changed. I grew. I became stronger. I found the bravery to accept that I like being weak and fragile and feminine and that that's completely okay. Because it doesn't mean that I am not strong. It means I am strong enough to allow myself being weak.

xoxo

Kiwi